When I was 22 I got a call from my girlfriend. One of those "Come save me/ be my white knight" calls. She was not in jeopardy, she was mad at her parents. My inner voice warned me. I did not listen.
Ten years later, four kids (one deceased), an affair by her, a separation several years ago, reconciliation, countless lonely nights, and a whole lot of systematic destruction of self later, we are getting a divorce.
We were toxic together. I made her the center of my life, she made me an excuse to do whatever negative thing she could. I finally got desperate enough to leave. Finally I put myself before her. I know what I did was right. I was getting abused, manipulated and hurt some more- blamed for doing what I could to do what I thought was the right thing. I know what I'm doing now is better for me. But I can't stop the grief. I hurt.. bad.
I decided to start a blog on this. A record. One more tool in my arsenal to utilize. Something I can go to when I see she's already dating again. She's not bothered at all. That I never should have tried for her in the first place. It sucked being married and feeling irrelevant. Now she does what she can to keep me feeling this way.
I don't want to live my life feeling obsessive over her, but for 10+ years, I worked with her as my center. So this blog is going to be what it is: A place for me to vent, to be mad as Hell, or happy the next moment. To be an emotional yo-yo and eventually get off this roller coaster. A way for me to accept and walk through this grief. It's the only way to heal.
